Gemini season is here. The air sign, known as the twins, presents the idea that there are multiple people inside of each of us—a duality, if you will. What we’ve come to learn through our precisely zero-point-zero hours of boning up on astrology is that both of the people contained within you are likely shitty and thus, your June isn’t looking too promising. 

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): As you start making your plans for the summer, you’ll notice that events like the Fourth of July have basically turned into their own set of Gemini twins. Your friends’ best efforts to convince you that this isn’t about you will all fail. You’ll be wearing that shirt all month—you already know the one.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): None of your friends are gonna want to spend a night “glamping” on top of the Watergate with you this June. And the stars already know that you can’t afford it yourself. You’ll be wearing that shirt all month—you already know the one.

LEO (July 22—August 21): Before you start advertising your exciting, exclusive, pricey VIP event, make sure you’ve got the location ironed out. As it turns out, not everyone wants you around. You’ll be wearing that shirt all month—you already know the one.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): A lot of people’s allergies have receded now that it’s June. But not yours. You will sneeze your way through the summer. You’ll be wearing that shirt all month—you already know the one.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): You’re not looking your best right now, because there’s a dryness and a drained-ness to you. But hopefully, with a good scrubbing and some repairs, you’ll be back to your reflective self soon enough. You’ll be wearing that shirt all month—you already know the one.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): No one will ever love you as much as people who buy cemetery plots for their pets love those furry companions of theirs. You’ll be wearing that shirt all month—you already know the one.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): You’re going to make a very big, very public error. When you apologize, you’ll set off a whole new group of people angry with you for being sorry. Luckily, by a week later, everyone will have totally and utterly forgotten. You’ll be wearing that shirt all month—you already know the one.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Your life is going to be like a Shakespearean comedy this June. The only issue? That comedy is Love’s Labors Lost … so you’re definitely not getting any. You’ll be wearing that shirt all month—you already know the one.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You’ll finally regain the bright-eyed optimism of your youth this June, only to find that there’s a reason people prefer pessimism—it leads to far less disappointment. You’ll be wearing that shirt all month—you already know the one.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): You will find an opportunity to bring up the fact that dolphins live in the Potomac in conversation organically this June. Too bad no one will believe you. You’ll be wearing that shirt all month—you already know the one.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Your June will resemble this burning scooter: No one will get hurt but it will certainly look alarming. You’ll be wearing that shirt all month—you already know the one.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): You weren’t included as part of “real” D.C., which will lead you to a crisis of identity this June. Are you real? Is anything? You’ll be wearing that shirt all month—you already know the one.