The whole joke of these horoscopes is that I have zero technical training in astrology, and instead use this pulpit as an opportunity for petty retaliation. So you can imagine my shock when my refrain for all of you last month—”You’ll find March quite draining”—was proven utterly and inarguably true. Folks, oops! I had no clue my skills at reading the stars were so on point, and I am really and truly sorry for my role in this tragedy. To show my penance, I am cooking up a zodiac snack far more palatable for all: this month, for the first time in DCist history, everyone’s horoscope is not-so-shitty. There’s no better moment for this change of tone than Aries season, which is ruled by the courageous, stubborn-as-hell ram. 

ARIES (March 22—April 21): A rare, unexpected milkman is going to help you celebrate your birthday. Against all odds, you will find ways to blossom this month.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): You’ll discover that you have a much better voice than your neighbors when you participate in a stoop sing-along. Against all odds, you will find ways to blossom this month.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): What you previously saw as a rude bit of criticism will become far more palatable under the strange, new light of April. Against all odds, you will find ways to blossom this month.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): Let’s face it, homebody: you were made for this moment. You’re practically Zoom royalty. Against all odds, you will find ways to blossom this month.

LEO (July 22—August 21): Save all of the moody selfies you’ve been taking, because one day they might just find their way into a historical collection. Against all odds, you will find ways to blossom this month.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): You’ll find a very hairy cuddle buddy sooner than you think. Against all odds, you will find ways to blossom this month.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): A skill of yours that once seemed niche will become extraordinarily practical in April. Against all odds, you will find ways to blossom this month.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Nothing, not even a pandemic, will get in the way of your reproductive cycle. Against all odds, you will find ways to blossom this month.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Don’t get too down on yourself for horsing around—your antics are bringing joy to others. Against all odds, you will find ways to blossom this month.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): You will come up with a strange yet successful plan to drum up a sense of camaraderie in the community. Against all odds, you will find ways to blossom this month.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): No Instagram feed filled with rising bread loaves or nascent herb gardens will fill you with envy in April. Against all odds, you will find ways to blossom this month.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): With so many things put on hold, an often-overshadowed strong suit of yours will get its due chance to shine. Against all odds, you will find ways to blossom this month.