What’s with teens these days? Leave it to WJLA to do some undercover reporting to find out. In a story posted on the website, the station’s probing news team embedded itself with teens in Maryland to find out exactly what makes them tick, what secrets they posses, and what they do on their free time. Not to say that the results are somewhat alarmist, but, oh hell, that’s exactly what they are. Read for yourself:

IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE REGAL CINEMA IN BETHESDA.

KIDS FROM DIFFERENT MONTGOMERY COUNTY MIDDLE AND SENIOR HIGH SCHOOLS HOOKUP AND MAKE-OUT, MANY OF THEM UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL OR DRUGS.

A LOT OF KIDS ARE DRINKING AT YOUNGER AGES.

Teen: “Like I had cocaine last year, but mostly weed.”

Teen: “People sneak down to elm street park and have sex at the playground and stuff like that.”

SEX GENERALLY MEANS ORAL SEX, WHICH THIS MOM SAYS IS AS CASUAL FOR TODAY’S TEENS AS SPIN THE BOTTLE FOR HER GENERATION.

Jami Taff, Parent: “I know young kids who think it’s the greatest thing since chocolate cookies.”

Wow. Why wasn’t our teenage experience this eventful?

Negotiations Between District and MLB Continue: Major League Baseball officials have not yet agreed to provide the District with an additional $20 million for the construction of a new blah, blah, blah … Is this even news anymore? To summarize: MLB is greedy and District officials remain skeptical of a deal that may cost them more than anticipated. There. Much easier. If you want all the details, the Post has them. In related news, the Nats, still owned by MLB, lost Esteban Loaiza, a reliable if promising pitcher, to the Oakland A’s. Color us shocked. And hold on … the stadium will cost more than anticipated? Really? More than $50 million above the original estimate sold to District residents? No way! Call that the newsflash of the year. Can you tell we’ve become a little cynical towards baseball?

Media Day for Butterstick: While Butterstick isn’t set to make his official public debut until December 8 (FYI — Tickets are still available from those money-grubbing panda abusers on Craigslist), the media is being given the chance to spend some quality time with the cub this morning, writes NBC 4. Starting at 8 a.m., members of the press will be given 20 minutes to hope that the ‘stick does something memorable or newsworthy, like finally uncovering who revealed Valarie Plame’s name to Robert Novak. Hey National Zoo, our invite must have been lost in the mail, so can you re-send? Thanks.

Virginia Attorney General Race Headed for Recount: While Democrat Tim Kaine, who will be in Manassas tonight, handily beat Republican Jerry Kilgore to become Virginia’s next governor, the race for the state’s attorney general has not gone as smoothly. WTOP is reporting that Virginia’s State Board of Elections yesterday declared Republican Bob McDonnell victor by a mere 323 votes, provoking Democrat Creigh Deeds to demand an official recount. If the recount proceeds, it will be the first held in Virginia since 1989.

Briefly Noted: Arrest made in connection with Club U stabbing … Beach Drive to remain open to drivers … District’s handling of the disabled criticized … Maryland ranks ninth on deaths from drunk driving.

Picture snapped by birdcage.